I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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