i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
