a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
