absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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