Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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