Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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