i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
