Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
