If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
