You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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