You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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