Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
