i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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