I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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