Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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