you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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