That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
