8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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