I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
