I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
