I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
