theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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