we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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