I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Randomize
