I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
