note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
