The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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