Already got asked if we're dating
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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