I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
