I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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