He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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