A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
