She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
