I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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