When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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