i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
