Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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