I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
