i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
