the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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