I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
