Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
