I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
