I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
