my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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