What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
