They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
