I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
