I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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