i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
