Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
