i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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