So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
