Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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