True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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