no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
