I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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