Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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