I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
